Fighting the Unplanned Battles

This was not the post I planned to make today. But this is the one that needs to be written. The post that I am writing raw and in the moment.

I awoke this morning at 4:37am with a heaviness in my chest and dread in my mind. Fighting myself to go back to sleep. The counting and breathing exercises not doing much. I drifted off into a restless fit of lucid dreams until my alarm woke me at six.

I sat with my hand over my rapidly beating heart thumping like the beat of a tom drum. I hear the sound of it my ears. The blood pumping, rushing fast and relentless. It becomes the river of panic swirling violently into the undertow that will pull me beneath the murky surface. Shaky hands run along my thighs. My nails scrape the flesh. That pinch of pain to call my mind away from the darkness.

And sometimes we just have mornings like this.

And sometimes there is no reason.

And sometimes we are simply lost.

I allowed the tears to flow, a salty sweet release. Breathe. I focused on the waxy, veined surface of the leaves on my Raven ZZ plant. The lighter shades of fresh growth, a crisp Kelly green intermixing with the deep forest hue of the matured foliage. Breathe. I inhaled the familiar bergamot scent of my favorite candle. Breathe. I heard the whooshing of the fan overhead. Breathe. I ran my fingers through the fuzzy fibers of the carpet and remember I am safe and I am home.

I am not drowning. I am not losing my grasp on reality. My foothold is strong.

I can breathe. My lungs will expand with every breath I take. This anxiety will subside.

My day is not ruined. I will not allow this to consume me. Not today. Too many times I have lost the battle. And I know there will be days that I still do. We can not win them all. But I take solace in this small victory.

For those of us suffering from severe anxiety that leads to ever growing panic and fear, we have to allow ourselves grace and acceptance. This may be a regular installment in the daily show that is our life but it does not define us. It doesn’t weaken us or overshadow our strength.

I’m strong in spite of my mental health. It’s not the illness itself that builds me up. It’s acknowledgement. It’s learning how to adapt and live with the lifelong effect of my mental illness. I garner whatever energy I have left to tackle the day. I take out every tool I’ve collected over years of therapy from my belt. If I have to use every single one to make it through, then that is what I will do. Today I didn’t give in to my minds own torment. Today was not the day that the anxiety won.

Re-posted from November 13th, 2023

~Accompanying photo by Gantas found on Pexels~